The several ambitions *

2006-12-21 12:09 a.m.

Since I’m now twenty one, I thought I’d throw in this entry. It’s another of those more personal, somewhat reflective of my true self ones. I suppose it exposes way too much of what I really should say, but ok, anyway….

I suppose if you asked me, Id say frankly that I had a myriad of ambitions since young. The very fist, if I remember correctly, was to be a train driver. Well, yes, that was after being hooked on to Thomas the Tank Engine from the time I could read and write. I was really fascinated with trains so much that I think I yelped in delight when my mother baked me a Birthday cake in the shape of a train. However, I guess to be a train driver didn’t necessitate me gaining a university degree. So ok, I changed my mind back then to be a train engineer instead. Oh, that seems alright ot you. I guess engineering would be my choice of study there. But as I grew older, I discovered that I was more inclined to destroy thing rather to construct things. So would the studying of engineering interest me? Maybe. Most likely not.

Maybe it was the Singaporean education system or maybe it was the books I picked up but I did have an interest in the sciences. If you read my earlier entries, I and a few others tried to construct a plane out of simple materials. I later would find myself fiddling with paper or rubber bands try to propel self made vehicles or boats and if memory serves me right, I even tried to deconstruct bread back into flour and water. Ok, then came the magic toy of every child in the 1990s—the computer and the games that came along with in. So yes, Xcom, Command and Conquer, Doom and a whole host of others got me fascinated with military history and shortly afterwards, 20th Century history and well history in general. But no one seemed to be testing stuff on Hitler or Churchill at twelve years old. So I was still kind of stuck in the science mode.

Which was alright and no so alright for teachers trying to control twelve year old boys. It was the magic group of boys who got bored of reading about plants and animals who decided to test new boundaries. So after a little scratch here and there, we derived a booklet containing instructions on how to make nitroglycerine, landmines (not exactly the destructive kind) and other “weapons”. No we weren’t min-terrorists, we were just intrepid explorers. So then I changed my ambition to be that of a scientist.

But around the same period or so, one of the few compositions we were tasked to write was “Describe your future ambition”. Now, compositions are compositions so you need not really tell the truth. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t when I wrote that I wanted to be a war zone journalist. Surprisingly enough, that essay was read out to the class. Ok.

The early teen years saw the school curriculum throw some balance between the arts and the sciences. But history then was “dry”, on the Indus Civilization and colonial Singapore. As for the sciences, I didn’t exactly adore physics except for the “protect an egg” project. Chemistry and Biology was sort “cool”, but I wasn't the practical skills kind. So I then decided I’ll just be a banker. Ok, that is if my maths grades were high. They were high in some sense, but I was still wavering on my future job then.

If you recall again, the end of secondary one and secondary two saw me fiddling with experiments not assigned by the class teacher. One was the breeding of tadpoles/frogs one and the other was the mixture of various liquids with copper sulphate out of curiosity. It was the latter and some other factors which lead me to find my home in Chemistry. And at the same time, I was digging up some stuff on current affairs. A degree in Chemistry and International relations? Who on earth would offer that and what would that lead me to?

Then it came the crucial choice that all fourteen year olds had to make—subject combinations that eventually be what we would take for our GCE O levels. (GCSEs). History was definitely on the list as well as certain other compulsory subjects. With a little change and squabble here and there, I eventually took biology. I suppose I did have some inclination to be a doctor after being in and out of hospitals, but I wouldn’t exactly say I had the feeling or urge to save people’s lives. Pehaps biology was for the fun of it. Perhaps.

But by mid sec three, my fortes were as mentioned earlier, history and chemistry. More so in Chemistry, despite some hiccups at the start. I’d remember my Chemistry tutor back then who wasn’t exactly the favourite of most of the class but my favourite in terms of style and explanation. He had high hopes for me at every test or examination which sort of gave me the jitters. History, was a different matter because I did know my facts but didn’t seem to know know what the examiner wanted. In any case, that set me thinking on degree prospects and jobs. Would I end up being a teacher? A historian with books around me?

My thoughts then were interrupted when I entered sec four. The ace in chemistry was in some sense “too proud” and of course pride comes before a fall. The fall wasn’t exactly grades but know hows and certain content. Mr. Alistair Chew placed things in a new dimension but I still retained the love for Chemistry, although I had stronger reservations when it came to lab sessions. As you would recall, I nearly (or did I think) shoot "balls" out of test tubes and mess up many experiments. History at sec four was entirely different and better for me, thanks much to Mrs. Judy Ho. And so I aced those two subjects all the while so much that my Physics Teacher gave me a bear hug one day and said, “I want to see you get an A in Physics for your O levels”.

With the O level results (and I didn't get another bear hug), came another round of choosing. By then, I was in what was termed the “arts stream” and decided to continue with it. I could have continued with Chemistry, but that would mean going on with either Physics or Bio, which I really didn’t want to. Strangely, the only arts subject I had a background in was history, but well the choice was made. So I decided then I would perhaps end up as a university lecturer or a researcher. Nothing seemed wrong or right with that then.
I kept my energies on history but yet was drawn to a new discipline, that of economics. It wasn’t exactly that fascinating at first drawing and describing market equilibrium or writing about labour policies, but perhaps its application towards current events drew me to it. Perhaps again. I wasn’t going to get stuck with graphs and short answer paragraphs when the Cold War and colonial Southeast Asia was so much more mind stimulating.

So I entered JC2 and with it, I was accepted into the History Special Paper seminar. It was more grades than anything else that dictated my S paer choice but economics kept on tempting me even more and more. Perhaps it was the fact that we were learning about macro economics, something which appears more “realistic” and closer to me. Perhaps it was the fact that I heard stories of Economics S paper theories from my friend. Perhaps it was the teaching methods of my new economics tutor that got me setting my mind towards that subject. It seemed pretty logical after all. I could take a degree in either economics or history and or both and that would give me some grounding for my job. But even as I found love in the realm of Collingwood, Carr and the United Nations, I saw a sort of brighter light if I dealt with issues like free trade agreements or balance of payments. But where would that lead me to?

Then I saw that a degree is a degree and it doesn’t exact mark your job role yet. But there was still the subject of interest to consider. Would I want to spend my later years on something that touched me since I was young or would I want to read on something which had theories that didn’t exactly fit reality?

But now you find me reading Economics and Political Science. Which I may say, demands you to hold two different mindsets, especially when you’re reading Political Economy and yet studying Economics. To my delight, the world of history has far from disappeared when I dig further into these two fields. I’d just say it was a perfect decision to have studied History S. And where will I be after I graduate. It’s not a matter of Que, Sera, Sera. God only knows and directs.

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